I must apologize for my absence, I've been away living my life.

No, not really.

I've still online doing random things, but I'm just ignoring Blogger. I have things to blog about, I just don't feel like it in all honesty. To blog, you have to be in one of those moods to share. I didn't blog for a long, like when my mom and I were closer. I told her almost everything. Now, I just tell her select things....I don't know. I just don't like the feeling of my mom knowing everything about me. It feels yucky, idk why. I like to have privacy, but I blog because I don't know half the people who read it.

But, sometimes reality hits you hard on the head. It basically pushes you back into place, and tells you to stay and not to wander off into fantasy land again. Last night I couldn't sleep for the longest time. I went and complained to my mom, got mad at my dad, then went back to my room. Then I laid there for about another three hours just crying away, wondering why I got myself into this huge mess.

What mess? 

It isn't that bad? Is it?

please tell me it isn't.

but don't lie.

we all have those things we pull ourselves into

What is it that I can say then? A lot of things were realized last night. I can't keep blaming the downfall of me on these certain events, I need to talk to her about some things(but what things?) and I need to get over this. I mean, I know I need help. Isn't it obvious? I tell myself I'm doing better, and I really am. I take small steps towards the right direction, and I take small steps back too. That sounds okay, right? Yes, then something big happens then BOOM, I'm right back where I started. At rock bottom. When some tragic event happens, I just tear myself apart. I don't know what I did, why I did this or that, I just literally tear my mind and soul into shreds...then when all is over, I sit down and calm myself down a bit. Then I wonder what happened, and remember, then the process repeats. It repeats until I make a new rock bottom, and I'm worse then before.

In summary, 

I messed myself up last night.

It was miserable, tiring, and fun.

But mostly miserable.

and the sad part? 

There was basically nothing I could do to help it.

I don't know what else to say right now. So...