I love you.

I hate you.

I want this to change.
So badly, it's not even funny.

Pain is running up and down my leg, and it won't let-up. It never will.
There is so many things wrong with my body. Shattered ankles, pulled muscles.
It adds up.
I hate it.

Lock-in tonight.

I wish I knew what went through your mind. Because everytime we talk, I feel different things.
I feel excited to talk,  then dread, anxious, sad, and so on.
What are you thinking?

I want to help you.
I do.
Let's stay friends.
Although we're new to eachothers life, let's stay friends even after you graduate.

Please.

I think having eczema is my way of hurting myself.

it hurts, but I scratch anyways.

I ignore the lotion and warnings, and just let it be.

It takes me over.

But in the end I feel better.

Graw...

I HATE THIS.

SO MUCH

LeT mE bE bEtTeR pLeAsE

I started a visual journal. I write a little in it, and it is explained through pictures.

sort of.

I think at this moment, I am...

missing you too much.
Really.

I wish I could help you with everything. I really do.

I can only listen, and do the best I can.

i live in hatred and self-pity.




i hate myself right now.
everything i say there is a lie.
it's a mask, so you don't worry.

i've grown tired of not understanding myself. it makes no sense. i want one thing, then i want the other. when i get something i like, i throw it aside and want something else.

stop.
everything just stop.

i need to do something else. i need to write more. i need to sketch more. i need to photograph more. there is so much i need to do.

but let's not go and list the things i should do... i'm just going to sit here and think about the things i have done.
hm.
nothing happened today. i went to lunch and shopping.
that's almost all i did today.
actually, that's all i did today.

argh. whywhywhywhy am i like this?

so far

I've gotten better. I still am a pessimist, but that's just me. I've always been a pessimist, and I've always loved it.
I've made new friends, and ones that actually care. Or, they're good at pretending they care.
I've gotten closer to my cousin again.
Muse and Blue October are new obsessions. Luckily.

I've been so unfocused this year. I can't memorize simple stand tunes for marching band. I try and try, but no luck. that's what she said. hehe. It sucks. Then I can't remember A SINGLE THING for Spanish.

I secretly think you don't care.
Oh wait, you probably don't.
I secretly think you're a jerk.
Oh wait, you are.

I think I have I a headache.
Stupid headaches.

I want to talk to you more. I want to hang out with you.
But, I can tell you don't want to.
You're just there, because you're a nice person.
It's that. That's all.

I'm content.
For the first time in, forever, I am content.

I am happy.