Goals

I have goals for me, starting now... I'm just going to be doing my best to stick to them, or reach them.

• Become healthier- Enough said, right?
• Do good in school- I need to do well this upcoming year
• Find out who I really am
• Get help
• Write songs and practice my instruments more :p
• Practice arts
• Figure out whether I'm in a band or not- last time I checked, I was...but I'm confused, haha

We need to remember the old days

Where did the old days go?

When did our days start to fade into one another,

and turn into streaks of color and gray?

Where did the old times go?

Where did we all go?

Is it so wrong to yearn for the old days?

The days we all knew who we were?

The days we actually loved one another,

instead of this fake love we show now.

Let's go back just a few days,

and see how happy we were.

The endless smiling and endless laughing,

instead of the endless crying and yearning.

Let's look for the brightside of life.

That single flower in a patch of weeds.

I must apologize for my absence, I've been away living my life.

No, not really.

I've still online doing random things, but I'm just ignoring Blogger. I have things to blog about, I just don't feel like it in all honesty. To blog, you have to be in one of those moods to share. I didn't blog for a long, like when my mom and I were closer. I told her almost everything. Now, I just tell her select things....I don't know. I just don't like the feeling of my mom knowing everything about me. It feels yucky, idk why. I like to have privacy, but I blog because I don't know half the people who read it.

But, sometimes reality hits you hard on the head. It basically pushes you back into place, and tells you to stay and not to wander off into fantasy land again. Last night I couldn't sleep for the longest time. I went and complained to my mom, got mad at my dad, then went back to my room. Then I laid there for about another three hours just crying away, wondering why I got myself into this huge mess.

What mess? 

It isn't that bad? Is it?

please tell me it isn't.

but don't lie.

we all have those things we pull ourselves into

What is it that I can say then? A lot of things were realized last night. I can't keep blaming the downfall of me on these certain events, I need to talk to her about some things(but what things?) and I need to get over this. I mean, I know I need help. Isn't it obvious? I tell myself I'm doing better, and I really am. I take small steps towards the right direction, and I take small steps back too. That sounds okay, right? Yes, then something big happens then BOOM, I'm right back where I started. At rock bottom. When some tragic event happens, I just tear myself apart. I don't know what I did, why I did this or that, I just literally tear my mind and soul into shreds...then when all is over, I sit down and calm myself down a bit. Then I wonder what happened, and remember, then the process repeats. It repeats until I make a new rock bottom, and I'm worse then before.

In summary, 

I messed myself up last night.

It was miserable, tiring, and fun.

But mostly miserable.

and the sad part? 

There was basically nothing I could do to help it.

I don't know what else to say right now. So...

Today was a different day, I must say.

I didn't stay at home loathing myself and wishing I was somewhere else. No, I went to the mall with some friends and saw a movie. At first I was all "noooo! I don't want to go! Don't make me!" and being all whiney. After awhile, I had to calm down and stuff...so I did. And it went well.

We hung out and stuff, just being loud teenagers. Jenna and I were checking out hot guys...like the one with the giant monster can. Haha, he wasn't that cute, but his friend was. We stalked them for awhile....it was so worth it.

Then we went to go and see Year One. It was perverted but soooo funny. Haha. I'm not going to write a review because I don't know what to say honestly.

I got a Never Shout Never CD :) That made me happy.

Now if only she would text me. 

R.I.P Dixie

I took a quiz on what My Chemical Romance member I am, and I got Mikey Way <3

It makes sense though. and I don't know, I seem to relate to Mikey a lot more than Gerard.

Is that just me? 

And Bob and Ray need more love :'(

Bob's dog died...

and was cremated.

but not by Bob's choice. Stupid trainer.

Send your thoughts and prayers to Bob. He needs it.

I LOVE YOU BOB! <3:)

Bloop

I'm never at his house anymore. Maybe it's because of his attitude and my low patience. Who knows. :/.
I'll update more later. Time to see transformers. Woohoo

Please Understand

How come all my memories go back to you? Why do they?even though we are basically far from being friends, I can't get my mind off of you.
It took me this long to realize that even though we both caused a lot of shit in eachothers lives, I truely miss you.
Even though I miss you, it doesn't mean I should befriend you again.
I've found people who are fit for me, and they're nothing like you.
I don't know. I wish life was a lot simpler.

I'm blasting music into my head. It's the only way to calm down.

Apologizing, emotions, and best friends?

I make it seem like I have more problems then I really do. I know some of you love that, but others hate. frankly, I don't care what you think of it. I'm just saying whatever I want.

Now, apologizing can only go so far. It can only repair so much, if any at all. "I'm Sorry" won't fix anything at all, although it is the thought that counts. But, I apologize to much apparently, and the word "sorry" really isn't all that special anymore.

Saying sorry can't fix a broken heart.
It can't fix broken friendships.
Saying you're sorry can help mend friendships.
Saying  sorry might brighten your day, or it can go and make you weep even more.
Saying sorry has different effects on different people, some good and some bad.

Whatever it is, always be the first to say you're sorry, because admitting that something is wrong is the first step to recovery.

Which brings me to this.
Thinking about things someone told me, to achieve balance in yourself, you have to forgive everyone for everything. You just have to admit that, yes, they/you did mess up. And when you let go of it, you feel that wave of relief.
Yea, I'm just thinking of it. I'm not ready to let go of some things. No, not at all.

I also heard that there are two main emotions: fear and love.
What do I mean? Fear can branch off into so many other emotions..
anger, sadness, cowardness and so on and so on.
And I guess you get the point with love. it leads to happiness, uncertainness and stuffs.
It makes sense, I'm just unsure whether I believe it or not.

Ugh, now this horrible subject.
Best friends.
What exactly is a best friend? Everyone has their own definition, I'm guessing.
To me, a best friend is just a title that you earn. Anyone can be your best friend. Sure, you can have the opposite tastes in everything, but there was just something that made you want to know them even more.
It's the weirdest thing.
But, a best friend is someone that can always be there for, and will tell you anything that everyone else is afraid to say. Someone that you can always trust. Someone that, no matter how mad you are at them, no matter how far you are away from them, you can never imagine not being friends with them.
I don't know, I've had best friends throughout the years.
Most of them, I don't talk to much anymore.
And although everyone looks for a best friend, that isn't my goal right now.
I'm fine without a best friend.
Why? I don't know really, I'm still thinking things over.
Maybe it's my over thinking on things that keeps me from making some friends.
Who knows...
I don't know, everything is so weird...

Sleep

When nights come, I'm not tired anymore. All throughout the day, I'm tired beyond belief, then when I hear "Sarah, time for bed." I am no longer tired.
I have problems I think. Yea? No? Yeaaaa. But not a good yea.
At nights wjen I can't sleep, I usually do one of three things. 1) listen to music. 2) write. 3) practice bass.

I love blogging. Haaha.

Painful Days

blahblahblah.

I need more music to soothe my soul. I start summer school tomorrow, and I'm not looking forward to it. Why? Because my ankle is in a brace, and it hurts. And I need to get more sleep tonight.

Ugh, please just save me from this heck I put myself into >(

Missing You

going to clean my room. hopefully afterwards, I can gather my thoughts together a bit more.

for now though, I'm just sitting here wondering.

wondering how I hate summer.

I look forward to it every year, always forgetting how much I hate it.

I miss my friends.

I miss my enemies.

I miss my teachers.

I especially miss Ms. Warnock :(

FML

I need to clean my room, like, seriously.

My ankle is messed up. No, it isn't broken...luckily.
I just have to stay off of it as much as possible though. Fml.
And even worse, I start PE on Monday, so who knows how will that'll goooo.

Fuck

FUCK THIS.
Fuck you.
Fuck everything.

I. Hate. It. So. Much.

Happy?

happysadhappysadhappysad.

i can't make up my mind.

I hate this for more then one reason

I hate this for so many reasons. No, not blogging. Blogging is actually really good for me...

I just hate all this drama. Drama with family, drama with freaking friends, drama with yourself. DRAMA IS EVERYWHERE.

I'm worried about the future. Yea, it's normal to feel down, but the way I've been, I don't think it's healthy. Ever since school started for eighth grade, I've been pretty much depressed. I got better to an extent. no, I don't think I was ever better. no I wasn't. It was just masked really well. I mean, REALLY well. Then I went lower then ever, then I came back up a little bit, and now I just fell right back down.

wow, no. that can't be healthy at all.

Oh, and that brings me to this. I wonder if what I show everyone is a mask? I think it is, because hardly anybody knows every side of me. No one does. My mom probably does, but she doesn't know everything about me.... Not every kid tells their parents everything. There is always something they keep from them, kwit? Thought so.

I think there is only person who knows what I really am like. scratch that. Maybe two. But both of them, I want them out of my life for now. I mean, if this is the beginning, then I don't want to see them at the end. 

They are drama filled. No wait, I am. I am the one who really started this, aren't I? No. he is, I guess. But, I am too for going along with it.

I don't know! This is all getting so complicated.

It's amazing how quickly I can fall...

Really quickly might I say.

Let's say I come running back to you. I mean, you are the one person I should really stay away from. It doesn't matter because I've already fucked up so much, I have nothing more to lose. I've lost friends, family-friends, feelings, and my sense of creativity. I mean, all that I gain, I have to lose more then I gain. And what do I have to show for all this? Nothing. Nothing except my freaking demented and distorted mind. I hate this.

I hate it so much.

So I was saving up for a camera, and I am at 1056$. I'm just about $500 off from getting it. Well, more like $200 if I just get the body. The other three hundred is for the lens. The stupid lens that is so expenisive. Oh well. For now, I'm sticking with a simple one so I can learn how to manually focus and work on getting a 'style' a bit more.

I already have a style I rather like. Like, more vintage/old looking things. Isn't that so cool?

I feel like I've written an essay here, and it isn't even for school. Ha, I'm on summer vacation, and oh my gosh, nothing good has come out of it. Yea, maybe like two things. Becoming friends with people, but that's all. I made progress on my art a bit, but not much. I started playing bass, but I don't have much time for it. I am doing marching band, and I get to play the piccolo. only bad part is that I can play it, but not so well.

Shoot, I should check my e-mail. One second.

Ugh, it isn't loading. My internet isn't working.

I want to punch somethingggggg.

I think I should just shut up. My rambling isn't getting anywhere anymore. I'll update more after I practice all my intruments. 

I don't really know what to say. Like...
I'm going to Las Vegas tomorrow. Woohoo. The only bad part, a 7 hour drive there >(
It's going to be a pain, because I don't know what to do.
I'm bringing pencils and paper to draw.
Probably some colored pencils just in case.
My sheet music for marching band...
which reminds me, I need to practice my instruments still. dangit.
My Ipod. Duuuuuh.
Phone to text, a notebook to write some songs.
Maybe a book.
Wow. That should hopefully keep me occupied.

Now anyways.
This summer has been so boring :/
I'm going to be making a mini journal tonight, just for the heck of it. Lol.
I need something all bright and cheery to make me happy! Hallejuah!
Yes. I know I can't spell. Shut up.

You know what I love a lot?
Harajuku perfume.
Theey are sooo cute. And it smells good.
This one that I hate...G, I think.
It smells like coconut. Or just something tropical!
It reminds me of Las Vegas.

And whenever my brother goes to smoke, then comes back in, it also reminds me of Vegas.
Because everyone there smokes in the casinos.
And I hate casinos.
I also hate walking around the whole place just to get to that store I want to be in.
Because it takes me like TEN minutes to walk around, when it could take me 2 to go through.
Stupid being underage.

So I guess I should explain the name of this blog.
It's not bad.
It's that I felt like I was falling for so long, and I really wanted to feel stable. Well, I know a lot of people want that too. So, I'm just one of the many people falling.
Um.
And other things. But, hey. Now you know how I got it.

Hash brownies. Being the dense person that I am, I didn't know what it was. I thought it was brownies with hash browns in it.
I was so wrong. Haha.
Apparently they're brownies with weed in it.
And you can get stooned.

I had a friend who did weed.
I don't talk to him anymore. I call him an idiot, and the sad part...I really liked him. I mean, he was the first guy I felt really girly around, and that never happens.
Now I don't talk to him anymore, and he's stupidfor messing his life up.
I miss him. A lot.

I'm so weird sometimes.
I was walking and was "heel toe heel toe heel toe. " I looked down and saw lots of clumps of fur and was like "what the fudge?" and now I'm sitting here eating tolberone. Lol.
Tolberones are delicious.

You know, we all have things we love in life. And it's different for everyone.
For me, I love lots of things.
Fruity smelling perfume, My Chemical Romance, band, playing the bass, and so on and so on.
But, right now. I love huge headphones.

Like...you know, those DJ headphones? yea, those. I don't know, they just rock.

Oh. and I also love art.
And my favorite artist? oh my gosh! He is so amazing.
I won't give his name because I'm lazy but whatever. Haha.

I'm off to draw nooooow.
give me stuff to draw. I'm making a new character.

At some weird fish place. The tuna was good. The crust on it was gross.
In the bathroom listening to this weird country music thing. I like bob Dylan better then this guy. Haha
Above the mirror I'm in front f, there's a little window. I want to climb out of it and run away. Lol. To where though? Hm. Nowhere.
I'll stay here and eat the chocolate cake I should stay away from. They were out of cheesecake.

I was taking a nap then my mom came in and started talking to me. Soon my dad came in and laid next to me and now my cat is sleeping between my legs.
My mom just dropped my music stand and hit my bass. >:|

sXe

Of course I am. Drugs, alcohol and ciggies mess up a persons life.
Especially meth.
Stay away from drugs kiddies.

These people who want to adopt want to declaw the cat. Oh no. That won't pass with us. Not at all.
Decline them now! Decline them now!

I'm so sleepy, and here I am falling asleep next to my favorite cat. Haha life can't get more boring than this.
Random people are coming in and staring at me, wondering why I am sitting on the bug infested floor. Haha. I'm so bored. /:
I want to be home and just sleep. You know how nice that sounds? It's better then hearing this little girl complain about how this cat is too old or too young.
They're cats. Really. They're all sweet.

I'm grumpy because I'm sleepy I bet.

I'm always putting entries on through my phone... This place doesn't have any Internet, and it sucks. In other eords, I can't use my laptop, so I'm stuck.
I guess today has gonewell. I woke up... Took a shower and almost passed out on the floor.
I stayed up late last night because I was in deep thought. Not about stupid things like who my friends are and stuff, but really where I'm heading with my life...where am I going? Really?!
I sit in bed every night for hours before falling asleep. Thinking. Just thinking about the day. Like my worries, things I love, the past and so on. Haha. I'm just ranting right now.
This place I do community service at has a cockroach invasion. It's so gross.
It's probaby because of the new sewer system or something.
I'm going. My fingers are falling asleep.

Heeey