nothing's saved me anymore.
because everyone and everything that has saved me is gone. they're still there, but they're different.
yell at me to change, whatever.
i need you to know that i'm trying my best here.
call me a bitch, do whatever.
i changed, you changed.
haven't you considered that you might be the one that's changed more than me?
all you do now is play the pathetic card in hopes of getting sympothy.
it's working, but i see beyond that now.

good day and good night.
because if this keeps up, we'll be in totally different worlds by next year.

As far as you're concerned

I don't exist.

I only start 'appearing' when you want something.

i'm

not trying anymore.

i'm going to please myself, and screw you all who want to think differently.

i just think it's time i start having a direction in my life,
and have goals.

1) MAKE ALL-STATE NEXT YEAR
2) Get in shape. Woot woot.
3) Become ssection-leader
4) Be a better daughter/friend/whatever

so i learned i need to move on from the past.

i've known that for a couple years now,

but i can never bring myself to do it.

because, it's the one thing that keeps pushing me to tomorrow.

i don't like the idea of 'forgetting.'

you can never forget anything,

you can only surpress the memories, and hope for the best...

i don't feel anything in my words anymore.

i don't think i've ever felt anything in them.

they don't sting when i read them,

they don't provoke any unwanted emotions.

they. don't. do. anything.

they're just vomit thrown down onto a page,

hoping that i'll get a magical surprise of emotional writing.

no.

don't believe them,

they're just lies.

i have horrible judgement on what i do.

people expect me to do what they want.

and for so long i let that slide,

and now when i do what i want, they get mad, and expect me to listen because of their array of emotions.

i'm just letting you all know that that doesn't slide anymore,

because i became selfish this past year.

that i'm more aware of what i want.

i'm aware that i do photo shoots with who i want, not who pesters me the most.

i draw what best displays my emotions,

i listen to what i want.

i talk to who listens to my worthless complaints on my hopelessness.

i do...whatever i want.

people asked me "what would you change about your past?"

honestly, i wouldn't change anything, thinking back.

because if none of that ever happened, i might not be where i am today.

i might not still be friends with jessica,

i might not be talking to saskia,

i probably wouldn't have joined marching band,

i wouldn't have met dana...

it all goes hand in hand, because changing what once happened can drastically change your future.

it's true, it's true.

---

this is my new tomorrow

---

it's my dream to be happy.

<3

i think you can be happy, but it can never last long. i mean, you can be happy, and you can be sad. you can  never be both forever. you won't be living at that rate, because you aren't living your whole life.

i think it makes sense to me, but that's how i figure it is for me.

sometimes

i wish i knew the way to stay this happy all the time.
it's quite marvelous.

saskia, if you read my blog. i had an excellant day.