it's how it goes...

i've become a walking disater, with no where to go.

my mom is mad at me because i won't give decent replies to her while i'm cooking or doing something.

i tell her a lot, about life around me. but nothing ever about me.

it just kinda hit me. if this is the way my child treated me when i'm a parent, i would be devestated..

i can't see myself leading a life as a normal 'wife' or the mother figure. 

i'm young, i shouldn't be thinking about that.

i really shouldn't be.

i just had a realization of how lucky we are to be alive.
so, so lucky

it's almost inevitable that i want someone who loves me like he loves her.

sometimes your heart can break

Hand in mine, into your icy blues
And then I'd say to you we could take to the highway
With this trunk of ammunition too
I'd end my days with you in a hail of bullets

I'm trying, I'm trying
To let you know just how much you mean to me
And after all the things we put each other through and

I would drive on to the end with you
A liquor store or two keeps the gas tank full
And I feel like there's nothing left to do
But prove myself to you and we'll keep it running

But this time, I mean it
I'll let you know just how much you mean to me
As snow falls on desert sky
Until the end of everything
I'm trying, I'm trying
To let you know how much you mean
As days fade, and nights grow
And we go cold

Until the end, until this pool of blood
Until this, I mean this, I mean this
Until the end of...

I'm trying, I'm trying
To let you know how much you mean
As days fade, and nights grow
And we go cold

But this time, we'll show them
We'll show them all how much we mean
As snow falls on desert sky
Until the end of every...

All we are, all we are
Is bullets I mean this
[x4]

As lead rains, will pass on through our phantoms
Forever, forever
Like scarecrows that fuel this flame we're burning
Forever, and ever
Know how much I want to show you you're the only one
Like a bed of roses there's a dozen reasons in this gun

And as we're falling down, and in this pool of blood
And as we're touching hands, and as we're falling down
And in this pool of blood, and as we're falling down
I'll see your eyes, and in this pool of blood
I'll meet your eyes, I mean this forever

nothing's saved me anymore.
because everyone and everything that has saved me is gone. they're still there, but they're different.
yell at me to change, whatever.
i need you to know that i'm trying my best here.
call me a bitch, do whatever.
i changed, you changed.
haven't you considered that you might be the one that's changed more than me?
all you do now is play the pathetic card in hopes of getting sympothy.
it's working, but i see beyond that now.

good day and good night.
because if this keeps up, we'll be in totally different worlds by next year.

As far as you're concerned

I don't exist.

I only start 'appearing' when you want something.

i'm

not trying anymore.

i'm going to please myself, and screw you all who want to think differently.

i just think it's time i start having a direction in my life,
and have goals.

1) MAKE ALL-STATE NEXT YEAR
2) Get in shape. Woot woot.
3) Become ssection-leader
4) Be a better daughter/friend/whatever

so i learned i need to move on from the past.

i've known that for a couple years now,

but i can never bring myself to do it.

because, it's the one thing that keeps pushing me to tomorrow.

i don't like the idea of 'forgetting.'

you can never forget anything,

you can only surpress the memories, and hope for the best...

i don't feel anything in my words anymore.

i don't think i've ever felt anything in them.

they don't sting when i read them,

they don't provoke any unwanted emotions.

they. don't. do. anything.

they're just vomit thrown down onto a page,

hoping that i'll get a magical surprise of emotional writing.

no.

don't believe them,

they're just lies.

i have horrible judgement on what i do.

people expect me to do what they want.

and for so long i let that slide,

and now when i do what i want, they get mad, and expect me to listen because of their array of emotions.

i'm just letting you all know that that doesn't slide anymore,

because i became selfish this past year.

that i'm more aware of what i want.

i'm aware that i do photo shoots with who i want, not who pesters me the most.

i draw what best displays my emotions,

i listen to what i want.

i talk to who listens to my worthless complaints on my hopelessness.

i do...whatever i want.

people asked me "what would you change about your past?"

honestly, i wouldn't change anything, thinking back.

because if none of that ever happened, i might not be where i am today.

i might not still be friends with jessica,

i might not be talking to saskia,

i probably wouldn't have joined marching band,

i wouldn't have met dana...

it all goes hand in hand, because changing what once happened can drastically change your future.

it's true, it's true.

---

this is my new tomorrow

---

it's my dream to be happy.

<3

i think you can be happy, but it can never last long. i mean, you can be happy, and you can be sad. you can  never be both forever. you won't be living at that rate, because you aren't living your whole life.

i think it makes sense to me, but that's how i figure it is for me.

sometimes

i wish i knew the way to stay this happy all the time.
it's quite marvelous.

saskia, if you read my blog. i had an excellant day.

i feel left behind and abandoned, like the puppy that has grown up.
is it just me, or is it meant to be this way?

fo

so i started

a journal/sketchbook again.
it's helping a lot actually. i'm going to see if i can fill this composition book up before i go and get a nicer journal. who knows.

i've started hundreds of journals, but i've never filled any of them out completely. haha.

To see a wall in your dream, signifies limitations. obstacles and boundaries. There is a barrier obstructing your progress. You may be too accustomed to your old habits and way of thinking.


To see a brick in your dream, represents your individual ideas and thoughts. Experience and/or heartbreak may have hardened you.


To dream that you are walking through a desert, signifies loss and misfortune. You may be suffering from an attack on your reputation. Deserts are also symbolic of barrenness, loneliness and feelings of isolation and hopelessness. The desert landscape may also be a metaphor for feeling deserted and left behind.


To see a puppet in your dream, suggests that you are allowing others to control you. You are easily swayed by others and feel that you can not stand up for yourself.


To dream that you are alone, indicates feelings of rejection. You may be feeling that no one understand you.


I truthfully believe my dreams. 
is it always this way? seriously.

it sucks

i'm drowning in my own sorrows, and i can't help it.
i need to feel sorry for myself to keep me going throughout the day.

this blog is nothing but filled with whiny complaints of my life, and nothing else.
isn't that a problem? i'm a whiny 15 year old girl, who has nowhere to go, nowhere to be.
i need to get up, and get out, or i'm going to explode and die.

To dream that you are having trouble getting dressed, indicates that someone is trying to cause your problems and stress in your waking life.

my dreams are creepy

i've had other ones, but i'll interpret them later.
but i'm interested in this dream.

To see the police in your dream, indicates a failure to perform or to honor obligations and commitments. The police also symbolizes structure, rules, power, authority and control. Perhaps you need to put an end to your reckless behavior or else the law will catch up to you. You fear punishment.To dream that you are arrested by the police, suggests that you feel sexually or emotionally restrained because of guilt. The dream may also be a metaphor that you are feeling apprehensive about something.

To see a wolf in your dream, symbolizes survival, beauty, solitude, mystery, self-confidence and pride. You are able to keep your composure in a variety of social circumstances and blend into any situation with ease and grace. You are also a loner by choice. Negatively, the wolf represents hostility, aggression, or sneakiness.�It may reflect an uncontrollable force or situation in your life. �To dream that you kill a wolf, indicates betrayal and secrets being revealed.

To see a canyon in your dream, represents your unconscious mind and hidden feelings. It may point to emotions and relationships that you did not recognize.

To dream that you are fighting to the death, indicates that you are unwilling to acknowledge a waking conflict or your own inner turmoil.� You are unwilling and refusing to change your old attitudes and habits.

To dream that you are wielding a sword, represents your ambition, competitive nature decisiveness and will power. You seek to hold a position of prestige, authority, and distinction. Alternatively, the sword can be seen as a phallic symbol and thus represent masculine power.

To dream of your own death, indicates a transitional phase in your life. You are becoming more enlightened or spiritual. Alternatively, you are trying desperately to escape the demands of your daily life.

To see or dream that you are a character in a video game, suggests that you are feeling controlled and manipulated by others. You feel that you have no control over your actions or are not taking responsibility for them.

To dream of prehistoric times, suggests that your thinking and beliefs may be outdated. Alternatively the dream may indicate your need to adapt and incorporate what you have learned in the past to the present.

To dream that you are climbing a steep rock, signifies struggles, obstacles, and disappointments.

but

what could the sheep even mean?

it makes me wonder.

i need to start keeping track of my dreams.

i hate this feeling of deadness within me.

you know, we can be mad at eachother, or we can happy and awesome.
i'm tired of going into school having the mind "is she there? is she mad?" and everyday, i go in to see the same face.
this is what we've become. we can only communicate through facebook.
what friendship is that?
it's lost all credibility.

i want to share

that i don't know what happened.

but today was a pretty bad day.

I'd forgotten what it was like to feel loved.
I still don't know what it feels like, and I don't know if I ever will.

All in all, I haven't cried like that that in months and months.

i need to stop.
and calm down.

it's not bad. it's not bad at all, right?

i need to relax,
and see what happened.
and forget about it.
and enjoy life.

i need to.

sometimes i wish i could say anything, and everything i ever wanted to say.
but i won't, because i'm too afraid of what the other person will think.

it's like, i will never say "I love you" because i'm afraid of what their reaction will be.
no matter how much i want to tell you,
i never will say what i want to say,
because i'm sitting here saying what you want me to say.

hey, that's dana.
we used to be really good friends, then who knows what happened.
it was a beautiful friendship,
and who knows if it's really falling apart.
maybe it's just me,
but i have the feeling that nothing will be the same after this year.

i'll

completely come clean someday.
someday you'll see.
someday i'll see.

jack

i highly doubt you read my blog, but text me if you ever ever ever read this.
:|

we have a lot to catch up on.

hello old me. hello new me.

it's that i'm sitting here, living in the past, trying to get over this hill i've been stuck on for 3 years now.

and right now, i'm ashamed of where i was last year.
i thought i LOVED myself there, but looking back, i hated myself even more.
it was lonely. it was so lonely, i tell you.

you tell me, which one is happier?

the smile i have lies to you. the "i'm okay, i'm alright, i'm good" adds up, and soon you learn to live with what i've told you. i'm truely happy with who i am, and nothing would change that. i was where i was, living in a world that couldn't exist within me.

i was happy.

i was myself.

i was lying.

i was lonely.

i was dying.

what i say is true, for the most part. i have people who know the real me, that have seen the dirty side. everyone has a dirty side to themselves, the side they don't want to show anyone. i've shown it, and was accepted. "i'm okay" is the thing i always say. everyone thinks my depression has disappeared, but it's still, still eating at me. it's fine though, really. because as long as you don't know the truth, everything will be okay. really. believe me. 

it's as much as i want to run to you, and have everything like it used to be. but, what happened...happened. i can't change it, no matter how much i want to. 

i can never be 'best friends' with jessica again.

i can never be 'best friends' with eve, dana, saskia, jessica, betty... no one.

i will never be who i used to be, because things change.

i will always be the one who is selfish and caring for herself.

i will always be having a war within myself.

i will always be searching for who i really am. 

i will have break down randomly. wherever, whenever. 

i will always be everyone but sarah. 

quotes like this make me feel like it can only get better

“I spent my life learning to feel less. Every day I felt
less. Is that growing old? Or is it something worse?
You cannot protect yourself from sadness without
protecting yourself from happiness.”

—	Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close

today was a really iffy day.
i'll write more tomorrow, or later tonight.
i'm waiting for my brother to go out and smoke so i can sneak into his room and get a new notebook.
i neeeed to start writing again.

like, no joke.

I owe so many people apologies, and I don't know were to start.

Saskia, Dana, Jessica, louis...everyone.

I don't know if I can, or if I'm even capable.
It just makes me feel horrible knowing that i need to tell them something, and I won't.

It's all so horrible.

i'm a hypocrite.
we're all hypocrites.
but, that doesn't matter.

i say i don't care, but deep down, it bothers me to the point i want to hurt you.

it's all because what you say doesn't matter. 
that's where the line is drawn.


just shut up, and we'll continue on.
this situation makes no sense.
heck, it's not even a situation. 
so stop it.
and go away.

well

this sudden mood change was unexpected. such a good, goooood day. and now, such a bad baaaaaad mood.

i don't know why. i really don't know why, and it's starting to tick me off.
i want to talk to you so SO badly, but i can't.
i can't do this anymore.


i'm one of those people where i need to stress about something.
if i don't have something to stress about, then i freak out.
and right now, i don't really have anything to stress out.
i have stuff to be ticked off at, but not stressed.


winter's my favorite season.
mikey way is my favorite person on the Earth.
flute/piccolo is what i love.
painting is how i express myself.

my new favorite movie is Paper Heart.
it's adorable, and i could watch it over and over again.
it's like Phantom of the Opera, or Titanic.
You know what's going to happen, and what to expect, but you learn something different each time.


oh look.
it's almost 9 pm.
i haven't talked to my penpals, i haven't talked to you.
i feel so numb and incomplete.
even though i have everything.


i have friends.
i have a home.
i have a loving family.
i have food, love, happiness.
i should be content. but...i'm not. i'm not content.

sometimes

i really wonder what my dreams mean.


i dreamt of magical cantaloupes.
i dreamt my blog was popular.
i dreamt i was on facebook. 
i dreamt i was painting. hahaha.


*shrug* my dream of magical cantaloupes is my favorite dream so far. 

hehe

it feels like my blog is more personal now.

oh, wait. wasn't it personal before? well, it was.

but now, it isn't just words.

it's pictures, words, true emotions, true words.

not just the words i forced out. the words i found from my heart, that sit and linger in my mind.

it just feels a lot better now.

my style of writing has changed a lot.

i think for the worse, though.

but, hey, as long as i can still write, i'm haaaappppyyy.

it's true

I should probably stop destroying my own life.

i need a new wardrobe

i don't want to hear you preaching to me. 


i don't want it, and you can tell me everything you want me to hear.
but, it's not going to process, because i have my beliefs, and you have your own.
keep it yourself, because not every single person is going to side with you.

i don't like sherrif joe, and that's that.
i left the group for you though.
be happy about that.

i found something

Dana and i haven't talked in awhile.

i don't have anybody to call my own.

everyone is off living their own lives in a happier light, while i'm still behind gathering myself up, only to be disturbed and having to start over.

i need to learn patience.

the year is almost at an end.

i must say, this year started out nicely, turned to crap, nice, then crap. right now...it's in the middle. it's not bad, and it's not good.

matt and i don't talk anymore- he got the message that i don't like him... i just wish we still talked though, it would make me happy.

i'm at a standstill with jessica- we talk, but it all means nothing. the same with dana. i have a feeling the same thing is going to happen with her.

i wish i had someone to call my own.

i wish i wasn't so selfish.

i wish i could pay attention to one thing.

i wish i was actually talented at something.

i wish i would go and paint.

i wish i could just hurt myself.

i wish i could feel human one more time before the year ends.

i wish i could start living in the real world 24/7.

i wish for so many thing, but i do nothing to go and reach them.

i'm so horrible.

and i don't know what to do with myself in the future.

who am i?

what am i doing here?

what is it that i want?

why am i still here?

i wish i had answers for all these things, because it would make things so much easier.

but, then what would be the point in living?

don't we live life everyday looking for these answers?

i think it's true.

why else would we live everyday?

going through the same actions, and hoping for something new?

i'm off to paint. because painting makes me feel good <33

i honestly wish i had something legit to complain about.
but i don't.
i just complain about what's going on in my world, and it's nothing much.

oh, i bruised my toe today. no biggie.
it's raining today. but wait, i looooove rain.
i'm talking to sask. but, oh haha. i love talking to her.
i'm a mess and can't get anything done. hm, that's just me. nothing new.

all is going to well right now, and i have nothing to complain about.

all is going well.
and i'll start looking up, up to the sky. 
because the sky is all i have <33

this quote hit me hard

“Waiting is painful. Forgetting is painful. But not knowing which to do is the worse kind of suffering.”

—	Paulo Coelho

I don't know about you

but going back to my own little world every night, every day, is worth it.
so what if going back to reality hurts a bit(or a lot), it's all worth it.
because in my own world, what i want really happens.
i can write as much, or as little as i want. i listen to what music i want.
i paint what i want, i ruin what i want.
it's my world... and i can do what i want.

from here on out, i'm taking control of the world around me.
i'm not going to sit around being sad, because, frankly, being sad sucks.
but, wait. what am i doing right now?
sitting around, being sad.
i contradict myself easily.

i wish i hadn't said some things in public so easily.
we don't even talk anymore.
we used to be friends, but now you look my way, and we say nothing.
just like we were never friends.
but, it may be for the best.
because...i have people who are right for me.
i don't know what needs to be done.

i was drinking coffee i got last night.
i probably shouldn't though, the milk probably went bad.
but, i needed coffee. i think i'm addicted. oh well.
coffee makes me happy.
it's sad, but it's true.

coffee, friends, painting, photography, Canon, cats, tea, music, flute, piccolo, computer.
those are a few of the things that make me happy.

i want to be me.
i want to able to step out of my comfort zone, and create another somewhere else.
i want to be able to snap out of whatever funk i got myself into.
i just want to be happy.
and right now, i'll do crazy things to achieve the happiness i want.

i think i should let you know

that tonight was boring, but amazing in a sense.

I wrote an essay on a hero for English, I successfully studied for spanish and managed to talk to all of my friends and penpals.

i feel happier than i did earlier in the day, and that's a plus.


oh, by the way, my penpal is silly looking :)
But in an adorable way.

gooood night blogger

i'm honestly starting to dislike you.

and it's time i take my life back.

thank you and good-bye.

mm, this is difficult. i don't know what to do, because i need myself to be happy for once.
it's on the top of my list, and you're interferring with it. :/

it's amazing how this feeling can come back within a day.
it creeps under the door to under the bed, waiting for me to sleep. and it just slips right back in, to where it used to be. bringing me back to where i once was.

i hate those feelings you get whenever something bad could happen.
it's like, the start of an anxiety attack almost.
i've been getting those a lot too...

idk. cremation came up somehow and it made me sick and now i can't stop thinking about it.
it isn't something a 15 year old should be thinking about!

i'm having trouble posting the entry i just made. i don't think i'm going to.
it's better to just keep it there, knowing it may make itself into my blog someday.

i ultimately have two resolutions, but can combined into one;

be myself.

<3