let me be honest for a bit.

i can't pinpoint on what this feeling is. are we still good friends? are we even friends? yea, we're friends. i can't tell if i am your best friend, or if someone else is. so many new friends, and so much time to forget about the old ones. maybe it was too good to be true when i thought we were finally best friends again.

damnit. damnit. damnit.

how gullible can i be? i do nothing to help myself. go to school, get through the day, go home, computer, snack, nap, computer, homework, dinner, chat, edit, bed. what is that? what the hell is that? there is nothing exciting, there is nothing to help me get through the day. what is suppost the thing that gives me the spark that i need? music? yea, that can help, but it isn't enough.

music numbs me down, reminds what life really is. sure, music saves lives. music takes your life too. you dedicate so much of your life to it, you forget everything else that happened. wait, what? did i really just badmouth music?

i need to have another deep conversation soon. i thrive off of those. i don't know why. they get depressing fast...most of the time, but that feeling in the pit of my stomach is gone. just knowing someone is sitting there listening to me, and letting me get it all of my chest...the feeling is amazing.

fuck. fuck. fuck. fuckity fuck fuck.

what is wrong with me? can i never be satisfied? ever? i always have to have what i can't, and i crave attention. i crave it. i don't search for it. i won't go and hurt myself just to have people stare at me, and gossip about me. no. it won't work that way. i crave attention, but i won't get it. you know why? because i'm one of those 'quiet' people. the people that are always there, people just don't notice. i am one of those. what is the naame? oh yea. a loner. i am a fucking loner, and i can't deny it. how many close friends do i have? 2. how many other friends do i have? less than 10. less. than. 10.

i opened the box last night. i opened it. it wasn't as bad as i remember it, and many of the memories are now gone. everything fades with time, doesn't it?

life will look up soon.

everything above, or below will slowly disappear into nothing more than words from the past. nothing but that.

the past has happened. i need to accept that, now, in a week, in a month, in a year. not now, now then, not later. someday. someday i will come to conclusions with the past, and accept that it has happened. accept that no matter what, accept that this is the outcome. and that i can't change it then, but i can change what happens now, and in the future.

dasdas

it's unbearable. it is. i tell you more than my BEST FRIEND. i tell you what i buried in my mind for so many months and...and... you don't shy away. i love you. but how can i come to that conclusion so easily? how do i know that in a week, a month, a year, that you won't disappear?

i opened up last night and showed you my dirty side. the side of me few people see. are you okay with that? are you seriously going to stick by me? do you want to stay friends with me, knowing what could happen in the future?

i have a thing, where i can easily expose the dirty side of people. it isn't a gift. it isn't a curse. i don't know what it is.

reading it

still hurts as much today as it did long ago.

why bring up the past?

i need to come to conclusions with it.

if i ignore it and forget it, i feel like i'm cheating.

in this case, i don't feel like the best friend.
i feel like the 3rd wheel again.
who has been your friend for so many years? who holds your secrets and your 2nd life?
i am. or was.
i LOVED you? what was i thinking? here i sit, trying to talk to you, and i get nothing.
i try to converse again, and i get minimal replies.
why? because you're talking to her.

i love both you, or something like that.
but it's arghles. how can i live with this? knowing that you would rather her be your best friend, and not me?

my life is crumbling before me, that wall is decompsing and building up again.
blocking you out this time.
keeping you out.
keeping the memories.
the past.
the good times.
out with the bad and what i don't want.

i can only think, do i want you to stay or to go?

iwillbestronger.lifewillbebetter.iwillmakeithappen

gerard way is my hero. do you know why? he struggled with depression. it runs in his family, his brother mikey way struggled just as badly as him, but is better now. gerard way, when he got depressed he pretty much hit rock bottom. he started drinking, smoking, and doing some pretty nasty stuff. but he got through it.

he got through it. with help and time.

and look at his life now. he is happily married and has a daughter. My Chemical Romance is working on their new album. his life is good now, although he had a lot of rough spots in his past.

why am i mentioning this? because i'm going to be like him. i am going to be strong, and let go of the past. just let it go, and start it over. and start it over right this time. not start over, only to crash into rock bottom again. this time is for real, and for happiness.

life will start to look up in time. i started by deleting old journals. i had to, for my own good. if i ever want to relive those nightmares, i have my blog for that. i try not to read it. i don't want to. maybe in a few years when i stumble upon it again.

don't worry world. i'm coming back, stronger than ever. i won't give up. i am not afraid to keep on living, i am not afraid to walk this world alone.

never again at least.

mark my words. i will be stronger.

"what do you have to be depressed about?"

mom. you don't even know the start of it.

I'm not happy. I'm really not. my marching season ended last week, and from there it's been downhill.

i haven't been getting out much, i sit at home drawing or some other pointless activity.

nothing. nothing i can do is worth it.

and it's all my fault.

my own fault.

i have no one to blame but myself for this.

i'm going to start running. stay/get in better shape for next year's season.

this is what i get for living in my head. reliving the past, day by day.

going through the motions, and not caring what happens.

this is what i get for thinking "oh, i can't get depressed. there is NOTHING for me to get depressed about."

wrong.

oh so wrong.

there are barely any people that can make me happy.

jessica, dana and matt.

they make me happy.

jessica is my best friend. the person i can go to. dana is another friend, not so close as we met a couple of months ago.

but what can i do.

rainbows don't exist where i live.

rainy days and dark clouds that swallow me up.

no matter how much i fight.

i need to fight back.

i need to.

or

there will be no way out

never

a

way

out.

never.

serenity prayer

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

--Reinhold Niebuhr

saskia, i took this from your blog.
it touched me in so many ways.

We get a weekly party, a whole new group of friends that love us,



except us, and care, tutuors, things to do at football games, senior


friends, junior friends, sophmore friends, a sense of being needed,


the adrenlinr of having. Your it show. The happiness of a good

rehersal, pep game or show, assemblies.

i'm sorry for the short blurbs. sometimes, i have to say something but i don't know how. so i say the shortest thing i can, and still get my point across. it's a new thing i'm learning, because i ramble too much. too much.

i'm still the same.

i can't change that easily.

i can now safely say i am failing spanish.

i try in spanish, i really do. i study my butt off.

and i do horribly.

no matter what.

you think you're so cool, walking down the street. wearing those baggy shorts, and oversized jacket. walking like you are the king.

you aren't. stop acting like it.

people like you tick me off me off so badly.

he has to say yes.
he has to.

I was suffocating you, and I never realized it.
I'm sorry.

I will never be good enough anymore, will I? I'm your 'best friend' yet I don't feel like it anymore. Am I being replaced by them? Is it that easy to replace me? Am I that bland of a person. So uneventful, unemotional, untalkative. I am so many things, and so many things that are the exact opossite of you. I'm sorry i'm not that friend you want me to be, but i'm not changing myself so you'll like me.

talk all you want, share what you want. be happy, please. i would rather you be happy than me, because asking  me to be happy is like asking a cat to not throw it. it works sometimes, but other times it'll do no good. no good at all.

i appreciate all you do, i do. thanks for being you.

i just feel replaced now.
by her.
and her.

am I really replaced?

11-2-09

Today is the 2nd of November, 2009.
Today is the start of a new me.

I'm not going to sit around and wait for you anymore, because I can't.
One year, less than one year. That isn't enough time. I'm not going to wait for you. I know other people in life now, and these months we have talked has helped me gather so much more courage, I can live without you.

This contradicts what I said above, but I feel it applies for other reasons.

To unexplain the unforgivable,
Drain all the blood and give the kids a show.
By streetlight this dark night,
A seance down below.
There's things that I have done, you never,
Should ever know.

And without you is how I disappear,
And live my life alone forever now.
And without you is how I disappear,
And live my life alone forever now.

Who walks among the famous living dead,
Drowns all the boys and girls inside your bed.
And if you could talk to me,
Tell me if it's so,
That all good girls go to heaven.
Well, heaven knows,

That without you is how I disappear.
And live my life alone forever now.
And without you is how I disappear,
And live my life alone forever now.

Can you hear me cry out to you?
Words I thought I'd choke on figure out.
I'm really not so with you any more.
I'm just a ghost, so I can't hurt you anymore,
So I can't hurt you anymore.

And now
You wanna see how far down I can sink?
Let me out!
So you can
Well now so you can
I'm so far away from you
Well now so you can

And without you is how I disappear,
And without you is how I disappear,
Forever
Forever now

I'll admit I am midly jealous of you... more than mildly honestly.
How did that happen? Because seriously... argh.

How can I like you? I'm not... physically attracted to you. at all. I don't see myself dating you. I'm emotionally attached to you though. We became better friends over the trip, and..that's all.


I can't tell this to your face without you hating me.
I am, undoubtedly, jealous of you. 100%.
It's no question, because it's true.

I want to sleep so badly, it's insane.
but I can't.