hello old me. hello new me.

it's that i'm sitting here, living in the past, trying to get over this hill i've been stuck on for 3 years now.

and right now, i'm ashamed of where i was last year.
i thought i LOVED myself there, but looking back, i hated myself even more.
it was lonely. it was so lonely, i tell you.

you tell me, which one is happier?

the smile i have lies to you. the "i'm okay, i'm alright, i'm good" adds up, and soon you learn to live with what i've told you. i'm truely happy with who i am, and nothing would change that. i was where i was, living in a world that couldn't exist within me.

i was happy.

i was myself.

i was lying.

i was lonely.

i was dying.

what i say is true, for the most part. i have people who know the real me, that have seen the dirty side. everyone has a dirty side to themselves, the side they don't want to show anyone. i've shown it, and was accepted. "i'm okay" is the thing i always say. everyone thinks my depression has disappeared, but it's still, still eating at me. it's fine though, really. because as long as you don't know the truth, everything will be okay. really. believe me. 

it's as much as i want to run to you, and have everything like it used to be. but, what happened...happened. i can't change it, no matter how much i want to. 

i can never be 'best friends' with jessica again.

i can never be 'best friends' with eve, dana, saskia, jessica, betty... no one.

i will never be who i used to be, because things change.

i will always be the one who is selfish and caring for herself.

i will always be having a war within myself.

i will always be searching for who i really am. 

i will have break down randomly. wherever, whenever. 

i will always be everyone but sarah. 

quotes like this make me feel like it can only get better

“I spent my life learning to feel less. Every day I felt
less. Is that growing old? Or is it something worse?
You cannot protect yourself from sadness without
protecting yourself from happiness.”

—	Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close

today was a really iffy day.
i'll write more tomorrow, or later tonight.
i'm waiting for my brother to go out and smoke so i can sneak into his room and get a new notebook.
i neeeed to start writing again.

like, no joke.

I owe so many people apologies, and I don't know were to start.

Saskia, Dana, Jessica, louis...everyone.

I don't know if I can, or if I'm even capable.
It just makes me feel horrible knowing that i need to tell them something, and I won't.

It's all so horrible.

i'm a hypocrite.
we're all hypocrites.
but, that doesn't matter.

i say i don't care, but deep down, it bothers me to the point i want to hurt you.

it's all because what you say doesn't matter. 
that's where the line is drawn.


just shut up, and we'll continue on.
this situation makes no sense.
heck, it's not even a situation. 
so stop it.
and go away.

well

this sudden mood change was unexpected. such a good, goooood day. and now, such a bad baaaaaad mood.

i don't know why. i really don't know why, and it's starting to tick me off.
i want to talk to you so SO badly, but i can't.
i can't do this anymore.


i'm one of those people where i need to stress about something.
if i don't have something to stress about, then i freak out.
and right now, i don't really have anything to stress out.
i have stuff to be ticked off at, but not stressed.


winter's my favorite season.
mikey way is my favorite person on the Earth.
flute/piccolo is what i love.
painting is how i express myself.

my new favorite movie is Paper Heart.
it's adorable, and i could watch it over and over again.
it's like Phantom of the Opera, or Titanic.
You know what's going to happen, and what to expect, but you learn something different each time.


oh look.
it's almost 9 pm.
i haven't talked to my penpals, i haven't talked to you.
i feel so numb and incomplete.
even though i have everything.


i have friends.
i have a home.
i have a loving family.
i have food, love, happiness.
i should be content. but...i'm not. i'm not content.

sometimes

i really wonder what my dreams mean.


i dreamt of magical cantaloupes.
i dreamt my blog was popular.
i dreamt i was on facebook. 
i dreamt i was painting. hahaha.


*shrug* my dream of magical cantaloupes is my favorite dream so far. 

hehe

it feels like my blog is more personal now.

oh, wait. wasn't it personal before? well, it was.

but now, it isn't just words.

it's pictures, words, true emotions, true words.

not just the words i forced out. the words i found from my heart, that sit and linger in my mind.

it just feels a lot better now.

my style of writing has changed a lot.

i think for the worse, though.

but, hey, as long as i can still write, i'm haaaappppyyy.

it's true

I should probably stop destroying my own life.

i need a new wardrobe

i don't want to hear you preaching to me. 


i don't want it, and you can tell me everything you want me to hear.
but, it's not going to process, because i have my beliefs, and you have your own.
keep it yourself, because not every single person is going to side with you.

i don't like sherrif joe, and that's that.
i left the group for you though.
be happy about that.

i found something

Dana and i haven't talked in awhile.

i don't have anybody to call my own.

everyone is off living their own lives in a happier light, while i'm still behind gathering myself up, only to be disturbed and having to start over.

i need to learn patience.

the year is almost at an end.

i must say, this year started out nicely, turned to crap, nice, then crap. right now...it's in the middle. it's not bad, and it's not good.

matt and i don't talk anymore- he got the message that i don't like him... i just wish we still talked though, it would make me happy.

i'm at a standstill with jessica- we talk, but it all means nothing. the same with dana. i have a feeling the same thing is going to happen with her.

i wish i had someone to call my own.

i wish i wasn't so selfish.

i wish i could pay attention to one thing.

i wish i was actually talented at something.

i wish i would go and paint.

i wish i could just hurt myself.

i wish i could feel human one more time before the year ends.

i wish i could start living in the real world 24/7.

i wish for so many thing, but i do nothing to go and reach them.

i'm so horrible.

and i don't know what to do with myself in the future.

who am i?

what am i doing here?

what is it that i want?

why am i still here?

i wish i had answers for all these things, because it would make things so much easier.

but, then what would be the point in living?

don't we live life everyday looking for these answers?

i think it's true.

why else would we live everyday?

going through the same actions, and hoping for something new?

i'm off to paint. because painting makes me feel good <33

i honestly wish i had something legit to complain about.
but i don't.
i just complain about what's going on in my world, and it's nothing much.

oh, i bruised my toe today. no biggie.
it's raining today. but wait, i looooove rain.
i'm talking to sask. but, oh haha. i love talking to her.
i'm a mess and can't get anything done. hm, that's just me. nothing new.

all is going to well right now, and i have nothing to complain about.

all is going well.
and i'll start looking up, up to the sky. 
because the sky is all i have <33

this quote hit me hard

“Waiting is painful. Forgetting is painful. But not knowing which to do is the worse kind of suffering.”

—	Paulo Coelho

I don't know about you

but going back to my own little world every night, every day, is worth it.
so what if going back to reality hurts a bit(or a lot), it's all worth it.
because in my own world, what i want really happens.
i can write as much, or as little as i want. i listen to what music i want.
i paint what i want, i ruin what i want.
it's my world... and i can do what i want.

from here on out, i'm taking control of the world around me.
i'm not going to sit around being sad, because, frankly, being sad sucks.
but, wait. what am i doing right now?
sitting around, being sad.
i contradict myself easily.

i wish i hadn't said some things in public so easily.
we don't even talk anymore.
we used to be friends, but now you look my way, and we say nothing.
just like we were never friends.
but, it may be for the best.
because...i have people who are right for me.
i don't know what needs to be done.

i was drinking coffee i got last night.
i probably shouldn't though, the milk probably went bad.
but, i needed coffee. i think i'm addicted. oh well.
coffee makes me happy.
it's sad, but it's true.

coffee, friends, painting, photography, Canon, cats, tea, music, flute, piccolo, computer.
those are a few of the things that make me happy.

i want to be me.
i want to able to step out of my comfort zone, and create another somewhere else.
i want to be able to snap out of whatever funk i got myself into.
i just want to be happy.
and right now, i'll do crazy things to achieve the happiness i want.

i think i should let you know

that tonight was boring, but amazing in a sense.

I wrote an essay on a hero for English, I successfully studied for spanish and managed to talk to all of my friends and penpals.

i feel happier than i did earlier in the day, and that's a plus.


oh, by the way, my penpal is silly looking :)
But in an adorable way.

gooood night blogger

i'm honestly starting to dislike you.

and it's time i take my life back.

thank you and good-bye.

mm, this is difficult. i don't know what to do, because i need myself to be happy for once.
it's on the top of my list, and you're interferring with it. :/

it's amazing how this feeling can come back within a day.
it creeps under the door to under the bed, waiting for me to sleep. and it just slips right back in, to where it used to be. bringing me back to where i once was.

i hate those feelings you get whenever something bad could happen.
it's like, the start of an anxiety attack almost.
i've been getting those a lot too...

idk. cremation came up somehow and it made me sick and now i can't stop thinking about it.
it isn't something a 15 year old should be thinking about!

i'm having trouble posting the entry i just made. i don't think i'm going to.
it's better to just keep it there, knowing it may make itself into my blog someday.

i ultimately have two resolutions, but can combined into one;

be myself.

<3