I need

to clean my room...

Jessica is sleeping over tonight, woohoo.
I'm going to try to take pictures of her...whether she likes it or not >:)

hahaha.

I'll update more later. bye

...

Is this really happening all over again?

my smile is fake, haven't you noticed? everything that I tell you is true. We're trying our hardest,

yet we aren't trying at all. I'll leave you alone now, because things well be better without me.

the ship is sinking and we can't get out. I dragged you into this, but can I get you out? I never wanted you to become like this because it isn't the person I originally wanted to become friends with. what can I do to get the old you back? 

It's been less than a year...and we've all changed so much.

Party? Party.

Tomorrow is Jenna's birthday party. I want to go, and I am.

I think it might just be a bit awkward... and by awkward, I mean really awkward. Kevin is going to be there...and my friendship with him is really weird. We talk, then don't, talk, then don't. I don't even know if he still likes me or not, he shows nothing. But, tomorrow I shall find out. Oh, and Keegan.... oh man. I can't wait to see that. Oh, and Jamie. Oh, and Jenna. All of them really. I don't know if any of them know about that accident that happened long ago. That one accident that still looms over me. I don't know who to blame for that. I blame myself, because I don't want one else to be hurt by that...

Did you know that I don't like people to be hurt?
I would rather hurt myself than see others unhappy.
My mom says it's a good trait, but I take it to the extreme.

So I blame the whole thing on myself, although they say I shouldn't.
But he pressured me into telling him.
I shouldn't even have mentioned it. But I did.
What's wrong with me? That's the only thing I don't get know.
I'll never get that, that's all I know.

I should put this whole event behind me. I should forget the past. High school is coming up. A fresh start- new friends- new surroundings. New everything. I'm trying to start over. But, oh wait. Last time I tried that, I lost who I was. I mean, starting over. But keeping who I am. Does that make sense? I know what I mean, I just can't put it into words. It'll be exciting to see what the results are...

I need to forget it. I can't blame this mess on that now. I am me. I need to solve it myself. It's the events that led me here, but now that is way in the past. It's up to me. I'm stuck where I am, and to get out of I need help. I truly do need help.

I'm just to weak to reach out and ask for it

Tomorrow...

should be much better then today.

Today I had a PE final- I got an A in the class. Yesss


Shopping with Malissa tomorrow :]
I'm happy

Bob Dylan.

I love his lyrics, his songs...not so much

I think it's the thrill of having new friends that make you forget the old ones. New looks on life, new personalities...new everything.

But it's like a toy, eventually the novelty wears off. Then you find yourself wondering "how did I get here?" or "why did I do that again?"

It all comes down to this...decide whether the new friends are worth leaving old friends behind for. It could be your best, or worst decision ever.

I don't know whether I like this or not.

It's a change, and change is what I've been looking for...
but this type? I'm quite unsure honestly.

I miss the days we talked, but hey, things change.
And this time, I know it's for the better.

Best of wishes to the both of us.

I've been less than a friend. I've been less than my usual self. I hate this. I hate where this is going. Where is the beginning? Where did we start? Did everything get lost in between?

Where will this end?

PE is weird. Megan is smacking in My ear reading this...
>:(

Why do you assume that all the bad things I say are about you? Is it because we don't talk now, so you assume that that is the reason? You assume that because I say one bad thing, that that is the reason we don't talk anymore? I hate to break it to you buddy, but that isn't it. The reason is that we don't talk anymore. It's as simple as that.

You need to understand that I've changed since we have become friends, and I'm really not the same person I once was. Although I yearn to be who I once was, I can't. I just can't. You're pretty much my only memory of that person now, and it scares me. You try to pull me closer, then you push me away. Actually, I don't know who is doing what. Maybe I'm the one pulling, and you're the one pushing, or vice versa. I don't know anymore.

Bottom line is, don't assume that all the bad things are about you. Because, they probably aren't. 

Alex Pardee

What can I say about him? He is just about the most amazing artist I have set my eyes on. His drawings express so much emotion, and help new fears form. They are so creepy, yet so epic. What is there to do but love him? There is only one of him, and it should stay that way.

I want to be like him someday. He is the single best source of inspiration. 

:[

What would you do if I committed suicide? What if I told you I've come close quite a few times? What would you do if I told you that I was going to commit it because of you? Then what would you do?

Would you feel guilty? Or would you simply push it off like every other thing in life?

I don't get people honestly, one day they are perfectly normal...then the next day they are a totally different person. I'm not going to name names, but I know I am one. Maybe it's just the fact I don't know why I am, so I act differently to push that fact aside. I don't know really. Maybe it's the fact that I don't want to be who I am, I want to be someone different. That's all. Really.

Hm, I don't know now. What is it that I want? What am I trying to achieve? I know that I'm trying to get by doing the best I can. I am trying to become a better photographer, I am trying to sort of become a better flutist.. but I feel like when I do this, I'm not really 'me'. Maybe it's because I'm sometimes forced, or I feel pressured to do this or that. It's noticeable, but my parents don't really notice that I'm not "feeling" the music because in reality, how can I? I don't love the flute anymore. It's more of a chore, and they think this is just a phase for me. The "depression" phase where the child won't do anything but sit around and watch TV. Yea...no. It might be a phase, but it doesn't feel like it. But, how can I complain? I'm barely doing anything to help it. Yea, I vent. Yea, I have those people I trust. Yea, I don't talk to my parents about anything "deep". 

I have a problem with people, you see.

I can barely talk to anyone, because I get annoyed easily.

I can't stand a lot of people because they are ignorant.

I can't stand myself because of how judgmental and idiotic I am.

I just can't stand anything anymore.

This proves it... I need help. Nothing is helping. Nothing at all.

I DON'T want to feel this way. 

I never want to be like this.

How did I get this way?

Was it because of you, that face in my past?

Or because of you?

Heaven... help me.