older

I realized I can't hold onto friends mainly because I turn quickly. You see, I'm like a piece of metal. I melt at easy temperatures, and can be made into anything. I'm malleable.

I realized that sitting here all day playing rock band isn't the thing I should do. I should be changing myself, forming nyself into someone I want to be, not what peope expect me to be. I changed so much, I lost who I really was. The person I spent so much time forming, that person is lost. I became someone I told mysef I would never become. I lost myself. Everyone knows that. It took me awhile to realize it, and I don't like it. I've accepted it. Doesn't mean I have to love it.
But, let's look back on the previous years of our lives. We had our ups and downs, the road blocks we hit, but, we stayed friends. Now, because of something I did, I messed up the whole thing. If I go on a plane, and travel back into time, what can I do to change that? What if I stayed with you instead of them, would I still be friends with you both? I wish I did things differently, but I didn't. I chose this path. Now I am in a depression that gets worse day by day, while suicide crosses the mind once in a while.
. Then comes night, wishing I could sleep all the time. I love sleep. Sleep is good. I love emerging myself into an alternate world where anything is what I want it to be. I can be Gerard Way's sister, I can get good grades and have fun, I can be who I want to be. I can fly, I can sing, I can do anything, and everything. It is amazing.

Real life is too....well, real. Everything is harsh, and nothing goes the way you want it too. Things come unexpected, things go as planned. They go the way you want them too a lot, but then it goes and crashes.


You can only take so many steps forward before you start descending backwards. I took so many steps forward, forgetting to take some back. I went back more steps than I took forward, so many I fell. I fell into this depression. I lay in bed wondering things.