let me be honest for a bit.

i can't pinpoint on what this feeling is. are we still good friends? are we even friends? yea, we're friends. i can't tell if i am your best friend, or if someone else is. so many new friends, and so much time to forget about the old ones. maybe it was too good to be true when i thought we were finally best friends again.

damnit. damnit. damnit.

how gullible can i be? i do nothing to help myself. go to school, get through the day, go home, computer, snack, nap, computer, homework, dinner, chat, edit, bed. what is that? what the hell is that? there is nothing exciting, there is nothing to help me get through the day. what is suppost the thing that gives me the spark that i need? music? yea, that can help, but it isn't enough.

music numbs me down, reminds what life really is. sure, music saves lives. music takes your life too. you dedicate so much of your life to it, you forget everything else that happened. wait, what? did i really just badmouth music?

i need to have another deep conversation soon. i thrive off of those. i don't know why. they get depressing fast...most of the time, but that feeling in the pit of my stomach is gone. just knowing someone is sitting there listening to me, and letting me get it all of my chest...the feeling is amazing.

fuck. fuck. fuck. fuckity fuck fuck.

what is wrong with me? can i never be satisfied? ever? i always have to have what i can't, and i crave attention. i crave it. i don't search for it. i won't go and hurt myself just to have people stare at me, and gossip about me. no. it won't work that way. i crave attention, but i won't get it. you know why? because i'm one of those 'quiet' people. the people that are always there, people just don't notice. i am one of those. what is the naame? oh yea. a loner. i am a fucking loner, and i can't deny it. how many close friends do i have? 2. how many other friends do i have? less than 10. less. than. 10.