somehow

you always find me when i'm weak and vulnerable.
you don't know what to say to me, no one does.
but i think it's reached the point where...i know i need to find my own self again.

i can't keep feeding off of you. you allow it, and it gives me the strenghth to get through the day. but, no matter what i tell myself, it's cheating.
i'm cheating myself, and everything that i could have. happiness, life, love, ect.
everything that a person should have. but i don't.

why the hell can't i be like you? why?
for so long, i've hated you. i hate you because i'm so god damn jealous of you.
i can't do this.
i can't keep this up.
it's hurting me.

i've been pretty close to pulling an all nighter. but i do nothing productive while i'm awake. i sit around, i wait, i write, i sit, i sit, i sit. i read, i wait. i talk. 4 am. i go to sleep. 11 am. mom comes in and yells at me to get up. 12 pm. i finally get out of bed. rest of the day? sit around and hope something will happen.

but i know nothing will happen. i don't do anything to make it happen. i need to be. no, have to be one of those people that goes out and does something. sitting around is fun and all. it's easy. you don't need to think about it. you don't need to think "oh, i need to sit. did you know while you're sitting you're still burning calories?" i don't care. sitting around, not doing anything is easy. it requires little to know thinking.

i like things simple.
but i live for semi-complex things.
which is probably why my mind is the way it is.


it's changed me though. i'm easy to change.
i have new year resolutions i need to figure out.
 i have an idea for the majority of them, but the two i am focusing on are being happy and being myself.

i don't care if i come off selfish. i need to be now. i've cared for others too long, and now it's time to take care of myself. i NEED to take care of myself, or i'll be nothing before long. nothing.

i've been so many different people this year. i've been happy sarah who felt like she could take on the world. i've been depressed sarah who couldn't even look at herself, nonetheless go to school. then there was semi-happy sarah who didn't know what to do. then marching band sarah who felt like she could do anything, because she had all her friends backing her up. and now, there's current sarah. she isn't happy, nor sad. more of, confused. confused on who she wants to be, fuzzy on what the future holds.

it's going to be insane next year, i can already tell that.
i'm going to be a happier sarah.
i'm going to be me. and only me.
i'm going to love myself.
i'm going to love myself.
i'm going to accept who i am, and that i can't change that.
i'm going to change what i can change, and accept what i can't change.
i'm going to love myself.

i'm going to be a better sarah.
and i'm going to love it.
i can tell already.