hello old me. hello new me.

it's that i'm sitting here, living in the past, trying to get over this hill i've been stuck on for 3 years now.

and right now, i'm ashamed of where i was last year.
i thought i LOVED myself there, but looking back, i hated myself even more.
it was lonely. it was so lonely, i tell you.

you tell me, which one is happier?

the smile i have lies to you. the "i'm okay, i'm alright, i'm good" adds up, and soon you learn to live with what i've told you. i'm truely happy with who i am, and nothing would change that. i was where i was, living in a world that couldn't exist within me.

i was happy.

i was myself.

i was lying.

i was lonely.

i was dying.

what i say is true, for the most part. i have people who know the real me, that have seen the dirty side. everyone has a dirty side to themselves, the side they don't want to show anyone. i've shown it, and was accepted. "i'm okay" is the thing i always say. everyone thinks my depression has disappeared, but it's still, still eating at me. it's fine though, really. because as long as you don't know the truth, everything will be okay. really. believe me. 

it's as much as i want to run to you, and have everything like it used to be. but, what happened...happened. i can't change it, no matter how much i want to. 

i can never be 'best friends' with jessica again.

i can never be 'best friends' with eve, dana, saskia, jessica, betty... no one.

i will never be who i used to be, because things change.

i will always be the one who is selfish and caring for herself.

i will always be having a war within myself.

i will always be searching for who i really am. 

i will have break down randomly. wherever, whenever. 

i will always be everyone but sarah.